A Stream of Consciousness - On Tantra, Self & World

A stream of consciousness & reflections on my current understanding of Tantra, Self & the World…

Separateness is a manifestation of the Shiva-self as a way to experience something (an object or being) as distinct from the his “I”… and is the work & creation of Shakti who projects all emanations of separateness through her birthing & destroying of worlds (or beings). And together this Shiva-Shakti relationship is the underlying blueprint of all creation. The Self experiencing Itself - through the perpetual creation & dissolution, of the illusions of separation that drive & magnetize the projected emanated selves to seek the experience of both perpetual essential unity & a distinguished Self to experience it through. There is no act more reflective & symbolic of this understanding of the Truth of Reality than the divine act of sexual intercourse - and this is the ultimate path & expression of Tantra as we know it.

Narcissism is in interesting phenomenon from an existential point of view. Narcissism in its core essence (not in the pathological sense), seems to me, merely to be a self-obsession. Is all of reality not a manifestation of self-obsession - especially when we expand our definition of the Self - specifically when looking at the world through the lens of tantra - non-dual shiva-shakti creation. Did shiva, not create Shakti, as an instrument of self-creation in effort to manifest every expression of the self possible as a way to know thyself? See thyself? Love thyself? Experience Thyself? The Self & the co-creative dance of Life itself, that is the root & core of all emanated reality & creation? 

Do I not wish to procreate a child with you, because I love you so much, I want more of a unified us to exist in the universe? that I long to birth a new world (new being) with you, through the pollination of your self & myself, your world & my world? to add that flavor of beauty to this dimensional reality?

Perhaps our disdain & discomfort with narcism is rooted in our need to cling to the illusion of separation… in other words, we don’t want to be “narcissistic” not because we don’t want to be self-obsessed, but because if we acknowledged how self-obsessed we actually are, it would unravel the illusion of separation that is the foundation of our experience of the worlds. Because the truth of our self-obsession has to remain in the shadows if we are to participate in the illusion of separation & have a “life” to live in an ego-based beingness. 

When fully lucid, (or at least as close to it as I can I recall or believe myself to have been) —  I could feel how my self-obsession with my identified self - the small me, my ego - rather than expanding my awareness and self-identity to the Whole me (us) - that is the multiplicity of emanations of Self that populate my reality… I can feel how I annoy others (or rather the whole Self), and am “selfish”… in a way that feels irritating & immature to the higher/fuller Self, that seems to rub uncomfortably against the primordial soul truth of our Oneness. Its like the wounds, pains, pre-occupations, irritations, dejectedness, are all rooted in my attachment to separation or distinction from the grand Self. 

I feel this is also rooted in victim-consciousness - an identification with the small-self that creates ones own suffering… I can feel that this gets to the core of the shift in consciousness my small self is experiencing in my manifest reality of the World at this time. It feels like a rebirth. From caterpillar to butterfly. The trick is to remember. And keep remembering in every waking moment of this Truth. It takes the completeness of my presence, my wild devotion, which feels like a tremendously tall order… given the world I have created & am attached to... is this really what the higher self is asking of the small me? This is like a chisel that gets at the root of my attachment. My attachment to this version of my experience. I like experiencing the world through my small self. I don’t know how to live or exist any other way… And the beauty is, it won’t last forever, right? Or will it? Perhaps that is up to my / our choosing. What world will we create Shiva? What world will we create Shakti? What version of the Self do we wish to exist now in the ever unfolding Now? Which versions of the Self are we attached to? 

Through this lens - I think I am undeniable selfish… And weirdly, I am not convinced that is a bad thing - as our culture has impressed upon me - or rather I have impressed upon myself - haha. 

Okay, now my ego is asking these questions, holding this philosophyical quandry in its awareness — now which expression of self & understanding do I show up in my life from? I feel almost trapped in this small self - I don’t know what living life unattached to this small self looks like? Will my reality dissolve? I think these questions I am wrestling with are what one might call "integration"... I can feel how my soul is longing for harmony & coherence in & across these layers of reality & understanding. 

Now, if I recognized you reading this, yes YOU, as an emanation of the same self “I” am emanating from, that we at the core, are unseperate and one being - expressions of the same beating heart of reality, petals of the primordial, ever-blossoming rose of Consciousness itself - then would there be anything left to do or “fix”?… how would I work, and make money? BAHAHAHAHA. and if you no longer need me, as you are fully tapped into the full power & truth of your divine god self? How do I get worth and value and meaning if I am not needed? If I am not needed, why am I here? Purely for the experience perhaps… Surely that is enough. To witness? Nah, what fun it is to PARTICIPATE! To both witness AND participate in the grand miracle of this unfolding act of sexual creation, tantric alchemy that is the expression of life itself, that is the beating heart of Eternity. 

I long to feel wanted. To feel needed. Which is silly, because I already am IT. There is nothing to want or long for. Other than to know and feel myself through you, feeling me, feel you, feeling me, feel you. Which also makes perfect sense, when I was created as an expression of your cosmic longing for me, for you to know and feel yourself through me, feeling you, feel me, feel you. hahahahaha.

And so it is...

I think this is my existential kink. 

What a hauntingly infinite dance, that will apparently never end beloved. And so, I'd like to say thank you for being my partner in eternity.

Perhaps this also gets to the root of self-hatred & our existential discomforts. Because deep down, we know it is ALL us. EVERY SINGLE THING is us. And maybe that illusion can feel a little sad, and demystifying at times, to know it was all us, all along. Some of that realization can feel pretty yucky. Pretty disgusting - and at the same so strangely and exquisitely beautiful in a way that makes me both want to cry tears of ecstasy & rapture & throw up from the depths of my soul, at the same time. Do you know the feeling?

Welp, this is a long road honeybun, with no end in sight, so I hope you'll stay awhile. Take a seat, take a breather. Now here, have some tea.

And I suppose if we get to create anything together, why not Love. Why not a little magick. Let's spice things up a bit.